Empty Words

because lying in bed became

breathing you in all over again -

Trying to forget the silence & solitude of my small,
pale room; untouched with emotion for so long,
and your scent finds its way down into my lungs
yet leaving me unfulfilled with only the remnants of where you once were.

So long it took me to forget the smell of
cigarette smoke, teenage cologne, and boot shine
of the last boy who held my limp body
and helpless heart.

But it became you-
the smell of whiskey mix drinks and green grass,
the kind you can never take forgranted amongst
all the disappointingly dead Texas summer landscape.

The kind of smell that reminds you that great things exist,
like humility,
and gentleness,
and sincerity,
and curiosity,
thrown together and sent to the pit of my own lungs
where it is left to linger. 

Seriously,

being a small, young, college-aged girl, I feel so vulnerable to rape or sexual assault.

Like to the point that I feel nervous even having a guy over to watch a movie if my roommate isn’t here.

It’s a genuine fear.

We lie in the bed we make

It really breaks my heart to see young girls (high school and middle school specifically) who are willing to become attached to any guy who compliments anything about them or offers them attention. 

I mostly see it with overweight girls or girls with a really poor self image, shy girls too, & I completely understand why they do it. They are surrounded by girls getting attention from guys, girls who have a big group of seemingly close friends, girls who have the “perfect” bodies and eyes and smiles.

So these girls get trapped in this idea that they’re never going to be loved for who they are. I mean, even at this young age, they have this thought in the back of their mind that they are never going to be close to anyone - that no one will want to be close to them. So when any person offers them a grain of attention, they are willing to latch on to this fleeting ounce of hope for companionship.

I remember phases of my life where I literally felt that no one could possibly love me. I had friends and I knew my family loved me but as far as relationships went I had it programmed in my mind that I must prepare to be alone. I latched on to petty compliments. I became guys’ go-to girl because befriending them was better than them looking at me as repulsive. I built a wall eventually I suppose, vowing to stop these small grains of attention control my moods and confidence.

So I turned to myself. I guess that’s when I started dieting and working out and figuring out college plans and started looking forward to my future. I started creating reasons to love myself so one day I could look back and say that I was truly proud and happy with where I was at physically, emotionally, career wise, etc. 

I’m getting there. I still don’t have the confidence to stare at myself for hours in a mirror and I’m always surprised when a guy flirts with me but I’m so much happier than I was.

I know I deserve good; a good guy, a good education, good friends, good food, and good days.

I wish these girls would see what they deserve and would turn to themselves to accomplish the good instead of looking for it in other people.

Things really do get better.

The bond between me & my siblings

is pretty strange.

We aren’t the “best friend” kind of siblings that talk everyday or cry when we say goodbye or turn to each other for every petty life issue we’re going through. I don’t know, maybe some people would consider us simply distant because of that.

However, I was talking to my mom the other day, just about normal stuff, when she decides to bring up the fact that she raised three rather unsocial kids. My sister, brother, and I are all pleasant and friendly but she’s right, none of us have a group of friends. We all have people we’ll go to dinner with occasionally or see during holidays but close friends? We aren’t so big on.

I think a huge part of it is that we grew up in a military family.
I clearly remember most of the moves we made when we were younger and how my mom consistently comforted us by explaining that we always have our family and that we’re each other’s best friends. I guess we never stuck around places long enough to make those unbreakable friendship bonds when we were young so now that we’re thrown into this stage of life where sociality is supposed to come with as much as ease as waking up in the morning, we’re kind of lost. 

I mean, come to think of it, I spent all of my time with my family growing up and I don’t think anything can connect three individuals as much as having to say goodbye to their father time and time again.

That’s what the army does. 
It makes us tough. Maybe it inhibits things like college party buddies but college party buddies could come no where close to the amount of respect and love I have for my brother and sister.

I feel like this blog should just be titled “the dating life of an undergrad”

because I tend to post a lot about it.

However, I find my dating life pretty quirky most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the best of luck but everything in hindsight is quite funny even if at the moment I’m disappointed and frustrated.

Let’s recap what has happened so far in my dating life since beginning undergrad:

• “Dated” a guy who lived across the country. First love. Saw him for a few days. Saw him off to Afghanistan, where he decided to say good bye to me for good. Eek - that sucked.
• Um, relentlessly tried to get to know a guy down the hall from my freshman dorm and failed miserably. Oops. lol
• Summer - spent with a guy who was in love with me & has been since I was about 15. We had fun I guess, even though I led him on more than I should have, but, I mean, yeah that was bad of me.
• Last semester I dated a guy who was pretty awful. Treated me awful, was whiney, had no backbone, spent a lot of time breaking me down, and was just a spoiled brat. 
• I had a guy message me on facebook over christmas break asking me out because he had seen me in the gym - yet didn’t talk to me. Not only that, but he went to high school and graduated with my sister who is four years older than me.
• Met a stranger online from California. We skyped a few times. He was cute and super sweet but I can’t get over the episodes I’ve seen of Catfish.
• Kissed a friend because we both just thought it’d be a good idea to see if anything was there. There wasn’t. Now it’s the brunt of most of our jokes.
• Had a guy pull a peeping tom on me when I accidentally left my door cracked open while changing.
• Had a guy admit to pulling a peeping tom on me when I accidentally left my door cracked open while changing.
• Had a guy call me crying when I sent him a text saying it wasn’t going to work out.
• Had a guy come to my apartment, put the moves on me, then he acted surprised when I told him I wasn’t some “hook up” girl.
• Currently talking to a guy who lives a few hours away but he’s nice. I mean, someone who likes me for something other than hooking up. We’ll just see what happens.

Hope you guys enjoyed my shamelessly personal post.

I’m usually an anti-cuddle person

ask any guy that has ever put the moves on me. I hate being held by someone in some uncomfortable position but feeling too awkward to move around abruptly and then it gets hot and miserable and guys always find a way to get handsy.

But right now. 

Someone please let me curl up in their arms while I cry about how my future is one of a dark tunnel of debt and loneliness.

New goals, and aspirations, and interests, and scared shitless

I haven’t posted anything too relevant on tumblr for awhile. I haven’t been particularly busy, rather stagnant on the contrary.

I’m looking into some things for my future and making tough decisions and really just reflecting on my priorities (this is actually fairly exhausting).

I have so many options and opportunities in my life. I know I could choose just about any path because I’ve been blessed with the support and intelligence and resources and motivation to go after what I want.

With that being said, it’s really decision time. Since (credit-wise) I’m looking at my options for my 6th semester of college, it’s time to set things in stone.

If you didn’t know, I’m currently a criminology major who has dappled into quite a few psych courses and quite a few CJ courses in hopes of figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. I hated psych & fell in love with law.

I don’t know why.

Law was never something I was too interested in. The reason I chose criminology as a major was because investigation interested me; I loved Silence of the Lambs, Criminal Minds, etc.. But, LAW?

LAW?!

I would have never guessed I would be intrigued by the idea of being an attorney or JAG officer or anything along those lines but I love it.

I genuinely enjoy studying it.

For the first time, ever, I find myself loving school and looking forward to lectures and I’m doing extremely well.

Now there’s this notion of changing my major to pre-law and looking into law school and that part scares me. All I find in my research are people who say they regret it. They say it took them a ton of money and time and was not worth it but maybe they didn’t love it like I do. Or maybe they did but found the career too demanding. A lot of people claim they didn’t have time for anything outside of the field.

I want to get married. I want to have a family. I do not want to be 30 and single and lonely - even if it meant having a stable career. I’d rather be low middle class with a happy family of my own.

At the same time, is that weakness? The fact that I don’t want to go after something I enjoy in fear I won’t live a typical life?

Oh the joys

of being in college and genuinely looking forward to hanging out with a new guy.

Only to have him tell you he’s just a hook up kind of person.
& then leaving you with:
“It’s good you’re not just a hook up girl, hook up girls usually aren’t all that cool. But I’m a hook up guy.” 

So I’m cool … but not worthy of your time? or any other guy’s time?

What? 

Thanks?

My dating life is real special.